Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
