He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
