Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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