You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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