she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
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How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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