Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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