ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
