are you so shy because you have an std?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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