I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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