So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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