This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
