Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
