so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
