mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
