Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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