I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
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It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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