My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
