I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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