Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
