so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
