Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
