Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
They took my balls.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
