So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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