my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
