if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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