I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
