Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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