The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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