I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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