And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
