Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
