So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
