dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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