i need an iv and a liver transplant
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize