so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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