are you so shy because you have an std?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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