so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
