btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
