nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
