I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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