It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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