I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
