She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
