Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
as a side note pls kill me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
