Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
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