Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
