apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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