I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
