Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize