he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
