yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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