I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
