It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
